Last Bench Love

The day is February 14th 2012, the courage has finally kicked in and i decided to go with my guts. Not only the butterflies, i could sense every living creatures crawling inside my tummy, kind of a sick feeling, but this is the final option and the only option in front of me. The decision has being made and that is to reveal my LOVE for her.

The story actually started in june 2010, when i joined for higher secondary education in Sreepuram ICSE english medium school, the school name might give me a standred that's why i am specifying it perticularly, unlike others who ran here and there to join some state syllabus school for scoring more and to get good rank in entrance exam, i was calm and joined the same school where i completed my my SSLC. Later my friends who left the school came back to there itself and that is a different story altogether, lets stick with the original story. After admitting myself in the same school, i was neither happy nor sad but i was determined to change my behavior of being a nerd sitting in the front bench.

Oh yes, i was a total nerd at those times, much worse than what i am now( self assessment), I dont remember a single day where i didnt talk something which is not related to science or maths. Unfortunately being a nerd means no girlfriends, obviously they see nerds as a potential threat to their general knowledge and exam score. So we where always made fun of behind our back, i used the term 'we' to acknowledge the nerds and to highlight their problems. But the real problem was my inability to talk with girls and that was a real issue with me. So this is the background till my 10th standered, and i was determined to change it at any cause, and there starts my story.

The rainy season has not completely taken over, only a slight drizzle here and then, but the monsoon effect has already started. The same feeling of laziness all these years to go to school in the cold rainy mornings, but for me its a new beginning, the transformation has to start from that very day, or atleast try to transform. Many of my friends has left the school in search of 'marks' and the remaining few have chosen biology stream, leaving me isolated in the engineering stream. 7 girls and 22 boys that was our class. I was a total stranger in that class even though i have seen most of the boys and girls before in that school, and i was the shortest kid in that class which made me even more isolated, all my plans of transformation and regeneration went into water after seeing that class, and i never bothered to look towards the girls side, Most of the other kids knew each other and they already made bench mates and i was staring at the blackboard feeling numb and lonely. I deliberately chose the last bench to feel what its like to study from there, but i was asked to move front due to my height. I am destined to be a nerd and even the universe is supporting that, my sense of loneliness was reaching its maximum and my eyes filled up for no reason. And my bench mate was similar to me short, nerd and lonely, but he enjoyed the front bench and liked to answer questions before it was even asked.

Days passed nothing has really changed, i was getting used to it slowly, and then one incident happened, our english teacher told us to prepare for a debate, the following week, and it will be a group exercise. A guy named Albert was my team mate and he was quite nice towards me, never showed any hesitation in talking with me and never ignored my opinions, he was my bridge from my lonely world to my social world, i never had any good relations with my neighborhood kids, so basically he was my only non nerd friend, i made friendship with other guys in the class through him and to my suprize none of them were judgmental at all, it was my inferiority complex all the time and i never tried to believe against it. Slowly the wind started to change its direction, and it was really difficult for me to change  from being studious to being stupidous, But that is a necessary requirement to be in a cool kids club, now a days you have to smoke pot or drink liquor to be in that group, lucky for me i had to only skip my homework for being COOL, the whole world started to change for me, even the way i look at things changed. But i enjoyed every bit and the whole system became eventful. A bunch of friends can really change you inside out.

Time will fly when we start to enjoy life, and same happened with me, and a new problem came up with that, the Love Story, every boy like to hear his name linked with some beautiful looking girl, and most of my friends linked themselves with some girl or the other and i was left alone in the gang. Now my ego started to work, and i was in search of a girl with whom i can link myself, i had some names in my mind, but those girls were far out of my reach, the very next day i went to class and started observing the girls of my class, i am not saying that i never talked to them before, i surely did, but i actually started observing them from that day onwards, none of them inspired or excited my feelings, most of them looked blunt and lifeless, but i was not to give up and picked the best among the lot and started staring at her intentionally in front of my friends so that they could just cook up the story for me, neither my friends noticed nor that girl, my ego kept on growing of not having a so called girlfriend to chat with. And finally i decided to tell Albert about this girl issue i was facing, but the way i presented the issue to him was a bit different, i told him that i love her and i am afraid to tell her about it, he was shocked to hear that, but as a loyal friend he kept that a secret and started giving me tips on how to tackle this, he never said anything to other guys because he believed that they will tell this to her immediately and will spoil the whole plan of me proposing her.

To my suprize, the way i look at that girl completely changed after some days,(the name of the girl will not be disclosed), some feelings started to grow inside my heart for that girl, and most surprisingly she started to look more beautiful day after day, you see guys i am no romeo to give lectures on love, but this incident made me believe that there is something called love  and my friends where not lying about it when they share their love stories, i never tried to talk with her for she was a silent girl who barely made any kind of noise, unlike other girls in the class who always made a hell of noise, she simply sat listening to them giving a sweet smile in response, and the worst part was that she never talked with boys, which made my feelings even stronger towards her, i made friends with all the other girls in the class just to get information about her, without her knowledge, that was a very difficult job, girls are good in making stories and to gossip it within their friend circle, so i had to be extra careful of not to reveal anything to them, but that plan failed miserably, those girls were smarter than i thought,but my feelings for her never changed  and it only kept on growing. What a development from being a nerd to being a lover boy, at some stage i even felt proud of myself, like that was some great achievement.

To be continued...
  

oh my GOD!! its PORN

Heart was beating like a drum, i was not sure what to do with it, my hands shivered and eyes where scanning the surroundings. Oh my GOD!!! its porn. 

After a long pleading and crying we had a desktop pc in our home, my elder brother had greater control over it as it was bought more for his purpose then mine, but i had my own quality time with it. Desktop at those times were considered as a wealth icon, and as kids we used to make stories about it tell our friends, everyone will be thrilled and wonderstruk when i finish my cooked up computer stories. But in reality we did not had any internet connection and computer was used only to play some flash games and watch some videos, even then i was always asked to stay away from the computer by my brother, as a RESPONSIBLE sibling i was always interested in finding his faults and presenting it to my mother, and for that reason we were always fighting, hmm... good memories of those times, On one fine day every one was out especially my BRO, only grandmother and myself where there, without wasting any time, i switched on the computer and started sneaking into the files which he has saved, there was a lot of installer files and songs. But something inside me was telling me to keep on digging files, maybe its my "responsible" nature which pushed me to look deep into folders. While searching i found a folder which was having a 'new folder' and my powerpoint and word files which were new and nothing written in it. now this is something to check. I started to dig into it, folder after folder somewhere down i finally found three video files, 

"MILK SHAKE" that was the name of the video file and i was not at all expecting what i was about to see. Let me tell you this was my first experience with porn and the maximum nudity i ever saw till then was navel of actresses during the dance sequence, even that was rare as my mother used to switch channels when something like that came up, so according to me my life was going to whole new dimension of nudity after i saw that video.

Without much hesitation i clicked on the video and it started playing, nice start to the video a young and beautiful girl was smiling and she was acting shy while the camera man was teasing her and touching her here and there, I had my own doubts, it was not like any other videos which i seen in computer or on cd, it was not having that filmy touch, rather it was having the effect of indian tv serial while watching. Then her name came on the screen , i dont remember her name but she was so damn good looking and cute, You see maybe because i was nearing puberty, i was feeling something odd with that girl, not odd in a bad way, but in a very pleasant way. 

All of a sudden she started licking the fingers of the cameraman, and she seems to enjoy it, i found it very gross, as that person was having full hair on his fingers and it looked kind of dirty, she kept on doing that and suddenly a person entered into the room, not my room, the room in the video where the girl was having fun, a big white man with huge muscles and a black cooling glass. he was also smiling towards the cameraman and cameraman told something back to him and his smile turned to laughter. The video was getting interesting , the big man sat next to her and started smiling at her, she stopped sucking the fingers of the cameraman and planted a big smile on her face, the big man was talking to her and her reply was only "Hmm....Hm..Hm...Hmmmm...". 

Suddenly, something happened, the big man kissed the girl on her lips, usually in indian cinemas french kiss was always covered by some leaves or flowers or the heads of the people kissing, but i have seen quite a number of french kisses in hollywood movies even before my mother got chance to change the channel. But this kiss was something i had not seen, it was a long kiss and i jumped up from my seat checking whether anybody is looking at me or not, nobody is near me, only grandmother is there and she is napping in her room, all my senses were dedicated towards the movements of my grandmother, there was a sense of fear but the excitement i was felt is not definable, I had no idea that the excitement level will be reaching a whole new level after some seconds.

The kissing continued and all of a sudden the big man started pressing her B**BS, my eyes popped out, what the hell is he doing. I thought to myself , but she was enjoying it and kissing continued a bit vigorously, i was starting to turn nervous but it was never before experience and i didnt want to shy away from it, so i was accumulating all my courage, but my courage to watch the video got a sudden pause when she unhooked her bra, PLEASE...dont do it, i cannot watch it, i closed my eyes with my hands and slowly peeked through it, NO, it was out, now i could see her b**bs , my sudden reaction was to close the video, i was sweating and i could hear my heartbeat, i wondered how by brother is watching such dirty videos, i was unable to control myself and went to check on my grandmother, she was having a good nap and was not aware about anything that just happened, oh yes i forgot to tell you, i switched off the speakers even before starting the computer so that my grandma will not hear it.

I made myself calm and recollected the lost courage, and made up my mind to watch that video again, you see born in a typical indian family and watching porn for the first time and that too at home may not sound a big deal to you but for me it was a very big deal for me, i didnt sit down on the chair because my instincts didnt allow me to and the mouse cursor obviously was pointed at the close icon. The video reached the point where i stopped , this time i had a little more courage in looking at the screen, that bloody big man was now pressing and playing with her b**bs and it was not huge, and finally the kissing stopped and i thought i was going to end their, no it was not and the big man took off his shirt and pants, now he was on his undies and she was staring at him, even before i could understand anything she also removed her top and skirt and she was also on her undies, you could not imagine the nervousness i had, my palm was sweating like hell and heart was pounding, i didnt felt erotic at that point, may be i was too much afraid about the consequences, if caught.

And finally the two people removed the only piece of clothing left in their body and i saw the complete nudity of adults for the first time, i looked carefully to explore it to the max , the mouse courser was ready at the close icon, my ears where ready to pick up even the slightest sound in the background and eyes were checking for some movements, i kept on looking at it and something similar to the earlier happened she was licking and sucking a different body part now, which i found much gross then what she was doing earlier. 

Suddenly i heard my grandma calling and i closed that video instantly my mind was completely lost and the whole body was cold, without much thinking i switched off the computer and went from there, i never asked or said anything to my brother about it, neither did i say anything to my friends. But soon i realised, there is much more then that and it is very much enjoyable. Oh my God, it was porn and it was kind a good thing to watch, and a new man was born that day.